Sorry can you repeat that…

Been a while since I blogged, can I remember how… Oo lets give it a go and see

Let’s set the scene, for as long as I can remember I have had to have my ears syringed or micro suctioned out.

Tiny ear canals + wax = deaf dinky (there is a point to this so stick with it).

About a year ago a colleague mentioned to me that she thought I was due to have my ears cleaned out as I was trouble hearing people again, I think she was fed up of my constantly saying, what, pardon, sorry…..

The thing was I had only just had the deed done, this was my first indication that there possibly was a problem.

Not to shy away from an issue, I booked a free hearing test with a well-known opticians’ and off I trotted.

The results showed that there was indeed significant hearing loss in both ears, the audiologist wrote to my doctors asking for me to referred to ENT for further investigation.

The waiting began, finally I got an appointment some 6 months later.

They did another hearing test which confirmed the previous test (phew not making it up then) and then in to see the consultant who took a look in my ears and decided they needed some micro suction (basically hoovering out of the ears), back into her office and she states, yep some hearing loss, off you go and we’ll see you in 3 months…. Wait what?! Ok so at that point I should’ve piped up as to why? But me being me, didn’t and off I trotted.

Skip forward 3 months…

Sat at the hospital awaiting my appointment…

Micro suction, done

Hearing tests (two), done

Then into see the consultant, she states that it snowing in her home country (Jordan btw, I asked) do we think it’s going to snow here? Umm was this another test? I know I have hearing loss but I’m sure that is what she said!

So the results, she shows me a graph with a thick red line indicating normal, right ear not too bad just under the red line and here’s the kicker the left ear is well below the red line (pfft well who the hell wants to be normal anyway?).

The consultant at first thought the hearing loss fell into the sensorineural type (this occurs when there is damage to the nerve cells in the cochlear). After a consultation with the audiologist however, she concluded that I had mixed, conductive (damage or a blockage in the outer and/or middle ear) type and sensorineural and that I may need either hearing aids or a MRI… WAIT, WHAT?!

This is the point I started panicking, an MRI that’s serious shit, I’ve seen Holby City (TV show) I know that they only do MRI’s if they really have to… OMG it’s a brain tumour right!!!!!!

At this point the consultant wants to get advice from the senior consultant and asks me to sit in the waiting room.

20 minutes later, I am called in..

They have discussed it and decided that yep I need an MRI, oh and they are booking me in for a hearing aid too. Not one or the other nope, I get both (see I’m special 😉 )

So here I am waiting for the appointments and it hits me not only are they looking for tumours, signs of a stroke or an acoustic neuroma (f##k), but what hits me really hard is that I may go completely deaf!

I am writing this listening to music, which (and I know this sounds melodramatic) is my life blood. I go to many live gigs and always have music playing.

I am trying to remain positive but for now as I enter this unknown journey, I am finding it difficult, I am genuinely scared on so many levels.

I’m fine…..

Music….

As I was driving home today, I heard a song that a friend had sent me about 4 or so  years ago and for the first time I listened, I mean really listened to the words. All of a sudden I understood what he was trying to say…

“Put your lovin’ arms around me.
And you whisper to me when you put your lovin’ arms around me.
And inside this love I’m yearning.
Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder what I am to you.
And sometimes I can’t stand the way that I’m acting 
to be part of the things you do.
Often I’ve asked you for too much of your time;  I’m stealing…

And when I dream of the fear that you’re leaving, then I reach out.”

At the time I was supporting him through difficult times and we were very close. Maybe I didn’t realise how close.

This song made me think of him, even though I haven’t heard from him in years and it made me sad. Lost friendship…

As a complete contradiction it also made me happy, as it reminded me of this wonderful part of my life, the closeness and laughter we shared. I still miss him greatly but now through these words I realise it wasn’t something I did, I was just being me. I don’t think he could cope with ‘just’ being friends.

Funny how a song can not only give you clarity but transport you to another time, place, allow you to relive memories and with that a myriad of emotions!

It’s a powerful medium, one to be relished, enjoyed, revered and inspired by.

Falling in Like Vs Falling in Love

I was once asked a few years ago whether I fell in love easily, to which I replied no, but I fall in like at the drop of a hat!

This amused my inquisitor no end until I explained why this can be harder on the heart than falling in love.

I like people always have, and I genuinely see the best in folk which can and is my downfall.

Once you have crossed that bridge from stranger to friend, that’s it you are indelibly marked with that title and permanently in my heart.
This may sound dramatic but it’s the truth, you would have to something pretty devasting for me to decide that we could not longer be friends.
I forgive easily and rarely hold a grudge. So you may disappear from my life and reappear thinking that’s it no more friendship but the moment you need me I’m there!

I have been hurt over and over by friends and rarely by a lover. In saying this however I have the most phenomenal support network of allies and confidantes!

Would I change this? Not for all the tea in China!

Validation

 

 

Why is it as human beings we have this pathological need to be validated? Of course some people are very confident in their own skins and will deny they seek this. I’m genuinely glad for those that do feel like this but I suspect they are in the minority!

Whether we seek this validation through Facebook, flirting, sexting, twitter or affairs, in one way or another we are indeed seeking some sort of validation.

So what is this we are seeking? Is it that we are popular/nice/attractive/loved?

And why do we search for this? Is it because we don’t get the endorsement at home? Is it the onslaught of social media, we are bombarded with images of the so called perfect man/woman/parent/child/relationship/home/holiday/career. So much so we have lost sight of what is real and what is not! Do we believe everything we see on Facebook for example, the happy contented family shots on the beach?! How do we know their lives are not being held together by a shoestring, crippling debts, unhappy marriage, illness?

I’m not blaming social media/internet for this but I do feel it has made the issue more prominent and causes us to question ourselves as to who we are, what we need and more importantly what we expect!

Is it a real expectation for hearts and flowers 24/7, houses that are always spotless, partying constantly, tropical holidays every year (just one would be nice). No and we know this.

The need to be constantly be told we look good, I am extremely guilty of this, I will post a picture where ever and get that sense of ‘I’m ok’ when I get the image liked or positive comments. The assurance that I don’t look like mutton dressed as lamb. Why do I need the assurance from others, surely my family telling me I look alright should be enough?

I see this frequently on other social media mediums also, the scantily dressed woman, the dick pic, the boob pic, are these to assure the poster that they are sexy and desirable when they get the comments and likes?

This is of course all rhetorical, although I await your thoughts…..

Why now?

Recently I’ve had a few relapses of the beast that is M.E, not my usual early night kinda fix ones but the kind that stop you in your tracks and scare the hell out of you. The kind that have made me reevaluate what I am doing and why.

With this in mind a friend asked, with my health in a delicate state at the moment why the hell I’ve signed up to a 1/2 marathon?

I should be resting and taking care of myself and I do but….

And this is the important bit, I enjoy keeping fit, I like my body when I do, it gives me confidence and the rush when I’ve completed a hard session (oo err missus) is fantastic. The ache the next day when you can feel exactly what part of the body you’ve worked on is the best feeling!

All these feelings reminds me I’m alive and let’s face it life is for living.

This illness does not define me, I do. As as long as I have breath in my body I shall stick to this mantra 🙂

As One

You pulled me onto your lap, I curled up snuggled close, your arms securing me to you…

I felt. I felt loved wanted cherished but most of all safe.
This illness couldn’t hurt me, break me, destroy the person I had become.

Our breathing deep and in unison.
A feeling of togetherness that has been lost over the years.
Through no fault of our own.
Work, children, friends, family all conspire for our attention.

For that all too brief moment, we were the only ones that mattered.
As one….

It’s not you its me….

I’m on a twitter break, so what does this mean. Well day 2 and I have read 4, yes 4 pages of a book. A real one with pages and everything!

Opened and shut Facebook like a woman with PMT looking in her fridge for wine and chocolate! Uh huh, yep that many times!

And started to write this blog…

So dear listeners, errrr readers why have I taken a break from the funny/loveable/annoyingly addictive little people in my phone that reside in the wonderful world of twitter ?!

Looking at my last few tweets I realised I needed some perspective not because I was upset but because I was confused.. I had somehow lost who I was and was becoming reliant on the constant attention that twitter gives!

I pride myself on my level head but my thoughts would stray and I would find myself questioning people’s actions towards me, now being a fairly sensible person I know that it’s their actions and they are entitled to behave as they see fit. I started to feel responsible for the feelings of others, this is something no one has the power of but I took their feelings on as if it was my fault and consequently felt guilty and hurt!

Now I know I’ll go back and probably quite soon, though hopefully with a more balanced outlook than I have now x

The Curious Art of The Avi

For the uninitiated, an avi is the picture you up to represent yourself on social media sites, such as Facebook and twitter etc.

Avi images can be varied from countryside scenes, selfies, cartoon characters whatever takes your fancy really. On Facebook I have a selfie, on another site I choose not to show my face. Again people do this for a variety of reasons, mine is due to a work thing so I choose to remain anonymous (ish).

Recently I changed my avi on one such site, to a provocative image of my legs.It was on the site for less than 24 hours. So why did I feel the need to replace this avi so quickly?

The picture itself, though suggestive you couldn’t actually see anything, just a glimpse of stocking top. So why? I have had a picture of my tattoo as my avi for ages and with that you can actually see flesh!

Did I think the image would too attention seeking? On this particular site we are all seeking attention for one reason or another, so no I don’t think it was that.

I didn’t feel the image was unflattering, in fact quite the opposite. I also have a love of erotic photography so it wasn’t that I felt it was improper/tasteless or unseemly

Was it that my husband wouldn’t approve, again this wasn’t the case. As he is my sounding board for many things I choose to do or not to on social media, (I know many of you will be surprised at this). He told me to go for it as the picture in his mind was just a great shot of my legs.

So why then, perhaps I was worried at the backlash from some of my female followers, again no in the main they are a broadminded lot and those that aren’t tend not to follow me for long 😉

Perhaps I thought it would gain me the wrong kind of attention? Not sure, though this could be the case!

Or was it because when I originally took the image it was for my husband, he was away at the time and I wanted to surprise him. Maybe I had taken my sharing a step too far and that this image was for us….

I’m not sure of the reason as to why I felt so uncomfortable with it being up but I did!

I saw a girl….

I saw a girl the other day. 
Her eyes were red from tears.
Her cheeks were hollow, colourless.
On her face etched all her fears.

You could see her holding back the tears she felt.
As she looked at me with sadness.
So I stretched out my hand to help.
To ease her fears and darkness..

I reached out to the girl with the sorrow in her eyes.
But the only thing that reached back,
Was the reflection of my hand and the help that I lack..